The Case of Easy Peasy – September 5, 2018


September 5, 2018
Denver, CO

“Poetry? Are you freaking kidding me? Poetry?

Jansen Myrrh is doing some bicep curls when Paul Banter walks in to show her Emily Falls latest promos. “To be fair, I don’t think they’re supposed to be poetry.”

The weights clank down as Jansen releases the machine and takes Paul’s phone from her hand. “You got that right. That doesn’t even rhyme!”

“That’s not quite what I was meaning.”


September 5, 2004
Augusta, GA

“Mom! Mom!”

The door slams behind a six-year old Jansen Myrrh as she runs in to the house having just been dropped off from the school bus. She rushes in and slams a piece of paper on the coffee table. “Look what I made in school.”

The crayon covered paper was drawn with crude images of four people. The smaller of the bunch, obviously a girl had the name scrawled underneath, “Jansen.”

The two figures on the left were slightly bigger, one male and one female and they were labeled as “Mom” and “Dad” and to the other side of her was the biggest figure of them all. Almost twice as tall as either of her parents, with long yellow hair and what appears to be a giant championship belt around his waist. That figure was labeled, “Dandy”.

Her parents were used to these types of pictures and the fact that their daughter idol-worshipped her uncle Dandy. There were times when it grated on her father’s nerve. She was his daughter and yet every few weeks, his brother would show up with gift and Jansen’s eyes would go wide with wonder at the tales being told by her favorite uncle. 

With a soft defeated voice, Jansen’s mother hands the picture back to her daughter, “Why don’t you go put it on the fridge.”

Jansen’s mother knew that her husband was not going to be happy, but she couldn’t say no to her daughter when she was so full of joy and wonder.

Jansen takes the hand drawn picture and runs into the kitchen and uses a magnetic letter to attach it to the fridge and she comes running back into the room, “Is it time yet? Now?”

Glancing over at the clock, she knew it was time. Her mother reaches for the remote control and turns on television as Jansen sits a few feet away from the television to watch her Uncle Dandy on TV.

Back to Present

“I’m so done with Emily Falls and what the hell? She’s threatening to puke on me? On you? What in the world is wrong with that girl?!”

Paul is trying to calm his client down as he pats her shoulder, “Look, just relax. It’s no disqualification. I have a few ideas. Don’t worry.  She can’t puke on you, if she knocked completely out, right?”

This doesn’t seem to appease Jansen at all as she is already looking a bit green at the thought.

“I swear if she does this.. I’ll.. I’ll..”

Paul arches a brow, “What? Murder her?”

Jansen screams and stomps off out of the room.



“You know what, Emily Falls? You’re a joke.”

Jansen Myrrh has turned on her video feed after she calmed herself down and finished her workout.

“Everyone on the roster knows it. I know it. And you know deep down that it’s true.”

“You come out and you barf everywhere like some kind of sick person. I don’t know if you think it’s cute or what but it’s not. It’s disgusting. You’re disgusting. And you know what? Do you think for one minute that I wanted to fight you at Good Times? Hell no, I didn’t want anything to do with you, but it was the only way I could get on the card. I picked you, because no one else wanted to fight you. No one else wants anything to do with you!”

“And you know why else I picked you?”

“Because I knew I could beat you.”

“Because I knew that you didn’t stand a chance in hell of beating me.”

“And do you know why I knew you didn’t stand a chance in hell of beating me? Because you’re a moron! You’re a buffoon. A laughingstock!”

“I used you to get on Good Times and to get another win so I could move on and start competing for championships! I’m undefeated in Mile High and I plan to stay that way and now, you are in a no disqualification match with me. Do you know what that means? That means I can do whatever I want to you and not lose the match. It means that I can deal with you the same way I dealt with Candi Bratton and no one is going to stop me.”

“And once I’m done with you, Emily Falls and they carry you out on that stretcher, understand one thing. I’m so done with you. I’m coming for one of the champions. I’m coming to claim my destiny. To do my uncle proud. It’s time that another Myrrh was walking around professional wrestling with gold around their waist and you know what?

“It’s going to be me.”

“So write all the stupid poetry or musings or whatever the hell it is that you think you’re writing. You’re as bad at writing those stupid stories as you are wrestling. How about you get a new damn hobby. Karaoke? Trivia? It doesn’t matter to be honest because after Thursday night, you’re gonna need one anyway.”

“So Emily Falls, bring whatever it is you think you have. You wanna try and puke on me? Go for it. It’ll be the last thing you ever do.”


The feed cuts.