A Lesbian And A Duck Walk Into A Bar
“I dunno. I have never seen so many lesbians in one profession before in my life.”
“I think we even beat out porn, if you ask me.”
So, let’s scroll back a little, shall we? I know this started out already as a nail-biter, but we need to provide a little context for that little comment I just made, dontcha think?
So, we rewind the scene a little and there you have it. My friend Trudy and I walk into a bar. No, this is not one of those kind of jokes. But I do have one and if you’re nice, I’ll tell it to you when I’m done. So we enter this bar. It’s one of those where the door is right on the corner at an angle. A nice little local bar, not one of those nationwide chain deals. I always picture that I’m gonna walk into Cheers when I first open the door to one of these places.
“Heard from your mom?” Trudy asks and I shrug. “Every once in a while I guess. She’s heading to some group in Colorado, I think. Oh my God, I made the mistake of introducing her to Twitter. Your mom know about Twitter? Never show her Twitter.” So, I tend to ramble on a lot. I rarely allow someone else to speak. It’s a control thing, I’m almost certain. The wisecracks, well, that’s a Bratton thing.
“I know, I’ve been watching. Haha. I about spit out my coffee when she said that thing about her vagina!” I gave Trudy a little shove, “Shut the fuck up.” “Hey!” she said as she continues to laugh. We walk up to the bar and order something to drink and as we wait for them to arrive, some dude walks up to us. “Hey there, girls. Looking for a good time tonight?”
Now, I’m almost certain the rolling of my eyes were much louder than I anticipated. Before I could pipe in, Trudy interjected herself. “We’re fine. Run along now, mister.” Well, that apparently wasn’t the right thing to say because the guy furrowed his eyebrows and got a little closer. “Now listen here,” he started and then he got a closer look at me. “Oh!”
See, now when you get recognized in public, seems to be the first thing someone says is, “Oh!” as if their brain just got switched on.
“I’ve seen you before on TV. Aren’t you that wrestler?” he asks as Trudy has to put her hand up over her mouth, not wanting to be rude and laugh in this man’s face.
“I could be that wrestler.” Never commit. Never.
“Well, fuck then. All them lady wrestlers are goddamned lesbians,” he moved his hand from Trudy to myself and back again, “Now this all makes sense. Sorry to bother you.” He was starting to walk away but of course, yours truly had to say something to this fucking moron.
“So, all women wrestlers are lesbians? Is that what you’re trying to say?”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is going to be one of those promos that ends up with a big fight, perhaps a bar brawl and someone’s gonna get a bottle smashed over their head. I promise you that is not going to happen here.
“Now wait a minute, lady. I wasn’t trying to say that just that seems that every woman wrestler I’ve seen is in some sort of relationship with another woman.”
Well, to be fair, he has a point. But, doesn’t let him off the hook for stereotyping, eh?
So, I climb down from my stool. “Listen, pal. I am not a lesbian.” And with that, I lean in and give this guy a big old kiss on the mouth. I could hear Trudy trying to stifle a laugh behind me. I finally pull back and this dude is panting like a big old dog. “What’s your name guy?”
“Well, Dale. How about now you fuck off?”
Dale’s face turns red and he grumbles, turns and walks back to where his friends are. I can see him giving the all high fives and I chuckle as I sit down in my seat. “What’s so funny?” Trudy asks as turn to look at her. “Look at that pig.”
I glance behind me and shrug, “It was just a kiss.” I set a wallet down on the counter, open it up and pull out a credit card and slide it over. “Besides, he’s buying us drinks now.”
Trudy laughs, “You took his wallet! Gimme that.” She reaches for the wallet and looks through it. “Oh, gross.”
A condom falls out on the counter. “No idea how long that has been in there.” She makes a face and uses the wallet to push it off the counter and onto the floor. “Any cash in there?” I ask as she opens it up and pulls out whatever cash was in there. We divvy it up and I take the wallet and toss it back over my shoulder onto the floor.
“Why does he think there are so many lesbians in wrestling? Is that common knowledge or something?”
I shrug again, “I dunno. I have never seen so many lesbians in one profession in all of my life.”
“Porn,” Trudy asks.
“I think we even have porn beat, if you ask me. I could never be in a relationship with another woman.”
Trudy laughs, “Oh, I’m fairly certain you couldn’t. You don’t even like most women. I haven’t even figured out why you hang out with me.”
“I wonder the same thing myself,” I retort and she turns and gives me a shove, “Hey! That’s not nice.”
“When am I ever nice.”
I dropped Trudy off at her place and as I’m walking home I pull out my flip open my Facebook and go live.
“Hello there, ladies and gentlemen! Your friendly neighborhood prankster here, and thought I might like to speak on some of my new acquaintances over there at Fight Union. I’m making so many friends! I mean, there’s Judy-poo. I know for a fact she adores me! But JJ, I’m afraid I ain’t got time to make nice-nice over tea with you. See, I know that we’re gonna be in that battle royal together and I’m afraid I’m gonna have to launch you up and out of the ring. Now, don’t you cry Ju-Ju. I promise that when we’re all done and I get my hand raised up in the air. I’ll let you come back in the ring and give me a nice warm hug! Like they say, no hard feelings, right? See, I knew you liked me!”
I do a little spin and grin widely into the camera. “And I met a new friend today! Hi Pandy! Pandy Panda! Hi! Pandy is so bright and cheery just like me. And let me tell you something, I think she secretly wants to ride a unicorn and eat a shitload of cotton candy. I bet that Pandy carries her ring gear in a Powerpuff Girls backpack. She’s quite the dickens, that Pandy is. I’ll tell you what, need to keep the sugar away from that one. She’s all My Little Ponies and Sailor Moon, I’m sure.”
“And that… brings me to Azurine. Azzy. Azzy. Yeah, I kinda like that. Azzy. Now if there’s someone who Twitter feed make me want to spew up my biscuits and gravy, it’s little Miss V.” I bring my voice to a little higher pitch, “Oh, I’m so in love I can hardly stand myself!” I return my voice to normal, “Listen sister, no one else can stand that shit either. Take from me, Bo Peep, you’re better off tending to your own sheep if you know what I mean, then falling in love. Been there, done that, set his house on fire. Cut out the middle man, darling and just gas and burn her goddamned car already and get it over with. The moment she breaks your teeny weeny heart, you’re gonna crack quicker than Daffy Duck during rabbit season. If you think we think you’re nuts now, well, we do, but it’ll only get worse.”
I pause for a moment as I seem to hear some voices. They seem to quiet down as I turn back to my task at hand, “And finally, my dear sweet darling Novalina. Bless your little heart, Novalina. Well, to be honest, I haven’t heard a god damned thing from you since our match was announce and by golly, it’s sure as shit annoying as all get out! Nova, why have you forsaken me?! Why won’t you talk shit with me?! Don’t you love me anymore? I talk shit about you and what do I get? Nothing! The silent treatment. I’m the one always giving in this relationship and you give me absolutely nothing in return! If you can’t start giving a little, then I’m going to have no choice but to break up with you! We have a fight to sell and I sure as shit can’t do this on my own!”
“Hey! It’s you!”
My attention is turned from the camera in a momentary distraction. Well, shit. It’s Dale. “True believers, I’ll be right back! Don’t go away!”
Now, remember when I said there wasn’t going to be a fight scene in this promo? Well, it appears I’m half right. Sometimes you just can’t avoid the cliche.
I set the camera down and all that is seen is the dark sky. It’s Dale alright, and he’s drunk as shit. “You took my money and used my credit card, you little tramp.”
“Whatcha gonna do about it, Dale?”
So there might be a little scuffle, but it sounds a little more even than it really was. Honestly, he took a kick to the junk and it was pretty much over at that point. I pick up my phone and we walk over where Dale is leaning against the wall, holding his crotch. I get next to him and hold up my phone, “Hey everyone! Meet Dale! He thinks he’s hot shit and thinks all women wrestlers are lesbians. So, if you happen to run across him, feel free to kick him in his nads. He ain’t using them anyway. And that’s all we got here from the alley for tonight, ladies and gentleman. For my good friend Dale here, I’m “Prankster” Lara Bratton and we will see you at the matches!”
With that, the feed is cut.
Oh wait! I almost forgot.
A duck and a lesbian walk into a bar….